title: valiance.[ o1 | walking ]
fandom: code geass.
summary: lord zero cannot afford to love, and schneizel cannot afford not to love.
pairings: schneizel el britannia/suzaku kururugi.
warnings: headcanon, angst on suzaku's part, fl... uff...?
notes: this is for set beta for 1sentence</lj>. c:
Suzaku doesn't see Schneizel until after Lelouch is buried, and it isn't until he's wandering the halls with Nunnally at his front does he realize that Schneizel was there walking beside him the entire time.
[ o2 | waltz ]
It's just a quiet little party between former nobles and the Royal Family, but Lord Zero sticks out like a sore thumb; only his aide has the courage to lead him out to the floor for a dance that the Empress has to urge him into.
[ o3 | wishes ]
He learns too late that Schneizel is suspiciously serious about the holidays, eyes widening when he finds the Second Prince of Britannia in a yukata with a blue slip in one hand while he holds the other hand out to his Lord.
[ o4 | wonder ]
And, Suzaku can't help it when he smiles beneath his mask and takes that hand so that his aide can have his moment of wonder.
[ o5 | worry ]
Not many people can move him from Schneizel's side when the other falls ill, claiming that it's nothing and that he'll get better as quickly as he can.
[ o6 | whimsy ]
It's only on a more odd whimsy that Nunnally has Schneizel's room moved next to Lord Zero's after the sickness passes; Suzaku is the one who has the door installed in between them.
[ o7 | waste/wasteland ]
Overlooking the gaping hole in the earth that had once been the Tokyo Settlement, Suzaku takes a moment for himself to close his eyes and mourn one last time before saying, "I will not return here again."
[ o8 | whiskey and rum ]
Suzaku has a certain distaste for alcohol, but he finds himself unable to deny his aide the day he turns twenty-one and is asked to take his pick.
[ o9 | war ]
The minute the warning signs that Lelouch's world may not prosper as long as he wanted it to show, Lord Zero orders Schneizel to take the appropriate measures to make sure that the world does not start to fall apart.
[ 1o | weddings ]
His aide is first and foremost a Prince, but when the Empress asks for his opinion on the matter he's surprised to hear Schneizel tell her that even if he does marry his Lord will always be first.
[ 11 | birthday ]
And so, on Schneizel's thirty-fifth birthday Suzaku grants Schneizel a day of complete freedom.
[ 12 | blessing ]
It's definitely a surprise, however, when he sees that Schneizel has chosen to stay; Suzaku tells himself that he won't let his heart be moved by a blessing like that.
[ 13 | bias ]
When someone is saying Lord Zero this, and Lord Zero that, they really are just begging the palace staff to gossip about a bias.
[ 14 | burning ]
The fact of the matter remains that Suzaku is impassioned by things that touch his heart so -- Geassed bias or no -- he does crawl into bed with Schneizel that night and he does let himself be thrown into the world of the honestly living for one night.
[ 15 | breathing ]
It's harder to breathe in while his skin is bare, but recalling the night before he allows himself one moment of complete peace.
[ 16 | breaking ]
And then, the sobs start and crescendo until Suzaku is a mess of tears in Schneizel's arms.
[ 17 | belief ]
'Zero' does not cry, so the fact that the red rim in Schneizel's eyes is gone for the moment and replaced with muddled disbelief (and, a second later: concern) goes unnoticed by the man who has been reduced to a boy in the early hours of the morning.
[ 18 | balloon ]
In July, Suzaku finds himself as a wallflower surrounded by balloons of all sorts around him before being greeted by his aide who reaches out and loosely ties one of them around his wrist.
[ 19 | balcony ]
It's hard to resist the sudden searing urge to pull Schneizel away from the party after that and take off his mask to kiss him while they're standing on the balcony, but he manages well enough.
[ 2o | bane ]
Whether Lord Zero is a poisonous bane or a beloved burden to the Second Prince, no one knows for sure.
[ 21 | quiet ]
They lose their bravery to ask because they all end up stumbling upon more private things between the two spending their few quiet moments in the company of each other.
[ 22 | quirks ]
"There's a whip in the closet," Suzaku observes quietly as he helps the maids with the putting away process of the laundry, hearing them ask him what he had just said before brushing it off as something to talk to Schneizel about later.
[ 23 | question ]
But, the smile on Schneizel's face deters him from the subject of asking him exactly why he still has the whip.
[ 24 | quarrel ]
There are telling signs -- very, very telling signs -- that Suzaku can see and he hates them so he fervently reacts and clings until his aide shuts his mouth and the blinking of the Geass stops.
[ 25 | quitting ]
Schneizel's Geass breaks later than Suzaku expected it to, but when it does only a harrowing sense of grief follows and he damn near exits the room to put distance between them so that he can think about something other than giving up.
[ 26 | jump ]
"My lord," he says as he looks up (all the way up) with furrowed brows at the scene playing out above him, "please come down from there before you get hurt."
[ 27 | jester ]
It's not that hard to catch someone as light as his Lord when he does -- literally -- jump down like a fool into the arms of someone who might as well be as much of a fool.
[ 28 | jousting ]
"Schneizel, I understand that it was just a 'friendly' competition, but they should have known better than to point anything in your direction," Suzaku tells him as he tends to the blisters on the other's hands with a frown on his face.
[ 29 | jewel ]
It's only then that Schneizel notices that the gem on the cravat's pin broke, and only belatedly realizes that he had watched it snap in the middle when Lord Zero reached up to take his lance away from him with one hand while pressing against it with the other.
[ 3o | just ]
But, nothing completely justified sending one of the Knights of the Round to the hospital just because they wanted to play around a little bit, and he made sure that Suzaku knew that before they went to bed that night.
[ 31 | smirk ]
Except, just as he suspected he would, Suzaku once again made a nest of pillows in his bed with that smug look on his face that Schneizel can't say he dislikes.
[ 32 | sorrow ]
Even he knows that it's a cover-up the minute he presses a hand against Suzaku's lower back and watches the flash of very familiar guilt skirt across his face usually accompanied soon after by Suzaku averting his eyes to the floor as an attempt to hide his distress.
[ 33 | stupidity ]
Either way Schneizel feels that it is incredibly stupid to try and hide it from when he has already seen sorrow personified in his arms three months before, and voices it to watch a more assuring flush take hold of Suzaku's skin tone.
[ 34 | serenade ]
Suzaku's hand is easy to take, his body pliant and yielding against his own even after he's rewarded with a chuckle and the accusation that he's trying to seduce him with a silent serenata.
[ 35 | sarcasm ]
Even the more sarcastic accusations hold some semblance of the truth however, and Suzaku learns this when he's pressed into the bed.
[ 36 | sordid ]
There's nothing even remotely vile about it -- this affair is their own, one that Suzaku won't bother putting a stop to -- so at least one of them is unafraid of the force at which they fall, unafraid of the shatter of glass that a short life may bring if even for the moment.
[ 37 | soliloquy ]
Suzaku has never valued his life as much as he has the lives of others, but Schneizel presses more than words against his skin that had been spoken to himself -- and this is a will he can adhere to.
[ 38 | sojourn ]
He wakes to the other smoothing his hand over his shoulder from his somewhat temporary residence on top of him, looking so at peace that Schneizel finds it somewhat difficult to tell him to get off.
[ 39 | share ]
In the end, he decides that there are more pros to having a very naked Suzaku in that position and lets the other rock back to join them and share his warmth with a hiss -- before reaching up to cup his face and bring him down for a kiss.
[ 4o | solitary ]
Later on Schneizel watches Suzaku pressing his finger to the top of the last white knight piece, tipping it back and forth before nudging it and knocking it over like he had done to most of the pieces to leave the kings by themselves.
[ 41 | nowhere ]
That is the birth of something that takes chess pieces and scatters them in different places in the room until Schneizel is sure that they're nowhere anymore: the Chess Fairy.
[ 42 | neutral ]
Suzaku is not allowed to take sides for his justice is punishment alone; he must remain unmovable until law and order deign the truth for the public, even if he may think otherwise.
[ 43 | nuance ]
A finger presses down against Suzaku's skin marking white against his skin as he's on the phone with the Empress, head turning to face an ever-so-cunning Schneizel when Nunnally questions the hitch of his breath.
[ 44 | near ]
Schneizel expects Suzaku to toss his mask off to the side and kiss him when he hangs up -- naturally, so -- but he does not expect his wrist to be grabbed and the entirety of his body to be yanked down into the lap of his lord.
[ 45 | natural ]
Taking off the mask for him is not a difficult endeavor; the back reclines and the slide off is smooth even though Schneizel is taking it off from a very awkward position, and the smile under the face mask is something he has seen a few times since his Geass broke.
[ 46 | horizon ]
Pushing for horizons is something that Suzaku is rather good at, even more so with someone like his aide supporting him whenever he needs him; he's just trying not to fall flat on his face while performing the duty he had been given by his best friend.
[ 47 | valiant ]
No matter how he acts or how hard he tries to get up everyday and walk out of the door, Schneizel is the one who knows best that Suzaku is still choking on the air he breathes.
[ 48 | virtuous ]
After hearing the tale of Zero Requiem, Schneizel's lips turn up and he remarks about how honest the boy he calls his Lord can be to someone he shouldn't trust as wholly as he does.
[ 49 | victory ]
But, Suzaku leans over and presses his lips to the skin behind Schneizel's ear to taste victory and tell him that he has not once believed in the last eleven years that Schneizel could ever betray him.
[ 5o | defeat ]
Blinking, the Prince keeps it to himself that he agrees, and concedes under the gentle, warm pressure of arms wrapping around his shoulders.
title: nothing more.[ o1 | ring ]
fandom: spiral: suiri no kizuna.
summary: they will not be together, but sometimes kiyotaka does wonder.
pairings: kiyotaka narumi/yaiba mizushiro.
warnings: more headcanon, more angst, more... fluff...
notes: this is for set gamma for 1sentence</lj>. c: and, it's quite possibly the hardest thing i've ever tried to write, mostly because yaiba is... a very mysterious fellow. SOBBING.
Every time he looks at his left hand and the ring glistening on his ring finger, he wonders about what could have been before he obtained the Oracle.
[ o2 | hero ]
It's not as if he stood there and waited, thinking about the merits and demerits of killing his other half; but when he looked at Ayumu on his twentieth birthday, he realized that perhaps he wouldn't be as much of a hero as he had originally thought.
[ o3 | memory ]
That's why -- by himself, when no one is looking -- he lets himself remember the look on Yaiba's face before he pulled the gun out and...
[ o4 | box ]
... bang, Kiyotaka recalls so vividly as he closes the wooden box that holds the gun he used to kill Yaiba and slides it back under the bed.
[ o5 | run ]
When he first became a detective, he realized that maybe that initial run out of the hospital helped him more than it hurt him.
[ o6 | hurricane ]
'What could have been' is always on his mind; it doesn't blaze through like a wildfire instead tunneling upwards into the heavens over a large body of water before hitting land and narrowing as time goes on, until it can pester him once more when he least expects it.
[ o7 | wings ]
He doesn't need the physical representations to see that Yaiba is, perhaps, the only person in the world that was truly his, black or white.
[ o8 | cold ]
I'm sorry are cold words that he doesn't tell the Yaiba in his dreams -- the young Yaiba who looks at him and smiles before telling him that he understands, even if Kiyotaka doesn't say a word.
[ o9 | red ]
And, maybe Yaiba understood then, too, while he bled out a color that had been stark against his shirt.
[ 1o | drinks ]
"It's lonely," he admits to Ayumu after he returns home, late at night with a drink in his hand as the other closes his eyes and just listens to him.
[ 11 | midnight ]
Ayumu may have been the one to help him to his room at midnight, but Yaiba is the one in his thoughts because he never could honestly not think about him when he was at his lowest.
[ 12 | temptation ]
Kiyotaka knows that Hizumi and Yaiba are similar, always genuinely so, but he had always been the better man; resisting is always the hardest part, but it is worth it in the end, he knows.
[ 13 | view ]
Back then, idly musing about the scenery was the first thing he did arriving at Yaiba's workplace.
[ 14 | music ]
"Play me a song," a Yaiba in his thirties (and in his dream) orders as he leans his back against the piano and tips his head before continuing, "Something that will make me feel alive again."
[ 15 | silk ]
Helplessly, Kiyotaka obeys and lets his fingers dance along the keys even as his eyes zoom in solely on the fabric swaying with every note that he plays.
[ 16 | cover ]
When it ends and Yaiba is done tapping his foot on the floor with the tempo, he rounds the piano and places a hand on Kiyotaka's head as a way of thanks before Kiyotaka lets a tear slip.
[ 17 | promise ]
While the elder is taken aback by this gesture he still roughly pats Kiyotaka's wet cheek and tells him that he shouldn't cry because it makes him feel bad (this Yaiba who is a hardened adult), and makes Kiyotaka promise to play for him again.
[ 18 | dream ]
And, because it is a dream, a nineteen-year-old Yaiba snorts at him after he makes his promise and (awkwardly, he notes with a sharp sort of clarity) squeezes his shoulder.
[ 19 | candle ]
The next waking day, Kiyotaka sneaks off to the grave site during his lunch break and pays his respects with candles and incense.
[ 2o | talent ]
Even he is aware that he does owe the other a song, and even though one of hands is not exactly completely better Kiyotaka makes Ayumu sit next to him as he plays again.
[ 21 | silence ]
His younger brother and clone just closes his eyes like he did that night and lets him direct his frustrations about everything into the music.
[ 22 | journey ]
There's a long road ahead working from the ground up with what Yaiba, Ayumu, and Hizumi have given them, but Kiyotaka won't let them down- not this time.
[ 23 | fire ]
It's crackles in front of him and he can only wonder what's going on when a stick is waved his way by a gruff devil, one of his eyes pinched closed because he's a little too close to the flames.
[ 24 | strength ]
The only wonder is how Kiyotaka still managed to panic a little and gather up enough strength in his arms to reach out and start tugging Yaiba away from the fire because a little too close is still too close.
[ 25 | mask ]
Yaiba's face smoothes out from it's surprised stupor into an almost mockingly amused expression as he tells Kiyotaka to live a little.
[ 26 | ice ]
But, damn it, it may be a dream and he may have to live a little, but Kiyotaka still ends up irate pressing a cold cube to the scientist's hand because he got burnt.
[ 27 | fall ]
He wakes up to find that he slapped the alarm clock off of the headstand next to the bed, raising an eyebrow at the abused piece of technology before shrugging it off with a, "I'll get a new one."
[ 28 | forgotten ]
A week passes without further incident and Kiyotaka marks it on the calender so that he can keep track of when he dreams too vividly of his deceased counterpart.
[ 29 | dance ]
As it turns out, that week of somber silence is climaxed with a young, charming Yaiba leading him into a set of rapid moves that end with him wondering what even happened to spark this sudden spur of greens and golds.
[ 3o | body ]
What gets him the most is that Yaiba is warm against him this time, his smile almost clandestine in the same way that it's devious, and Kiyotaka finds that he's laughing early on and pressing their cheeks together in a quiet, subtle movement.
[ 31 | sacred ]
At this point, he doesn't care if this is a dream because when pale hands reach up and start ruffling his hair it's the most precious thing in the world to him.
[ 32 | farewells ]
Kiyotaka doesn't know what to say to make Yaiba stay when he stands up and pats the dirt off of his behind, his good luck failing him in this regard; it's at these moments that he wishes he had met the other before receiving the Oracle.
[ 33 | world ]
Watching his surroundings tear themselves apart from the inside out, Yaiba laughs and tells him that he'll see him again soon if 'the almighty Destruction God' will allow it.
[ 34 | formal ]
But, damn it, Yaiba, he doesn't like when his other calls him by that (too formal, too upfront), so he frowns and yells, "It's Kiyotaka!"
[ 35 | fever ]
Luckily for that devilish man, he doesn't tack the 'moron' on the end of his sentence like he wants to, instead flushing a hot red in the embarrassment of thinking about calling Yaiba by such a thing in the first place.
[ 36 | laugh ]
Again, Yaiba just laughs, nineteen and jovial in the way he throws his head back and the dream fades.
[ 37 | lies ]
"Kiyotaka!" is what he wakes up to, and he has to lie yet again to the wife he loves so much -- telling her that he's fine and that he'll try to keep it from happening again.
[ 38 | forever ]
This thing that he and Yaiba have is something eternal, he realizes belatedly, and while his body may be gone, they're connected and will never truly be apart.
[ 39 | overwhelmed ]
In a way, that's what makes him double over on the couch, holding his head in one hand as he chuckles breathlessly.
[ 4o | whisper ]
"I don't doubt that; we have nothing more than this, after all," Ayumu tells him as he gives him the information on his latest revelation in hushed whispers.
[ 41 | wait ]
If they have nothing more, then Kiyotaka has all of the patience to wait for night to come -- so that he can have everything his devil can offer to him in his dreams, whether it be his smile or his chiding.
[ 42 | talk ]
They speak about different things, sometimes insignificant like the weather (that's mostly Kiyotaka) and sometimes important like clone research (which is limited to Kiyotaka's knowledge), but it's still nice to listen to Yaiba talk about something he's proficient in.
[ 43 | search ]
For once, it's not him who's reaching out for a hand in the dark; it's Yaiba's, clear as day when it clasps over his own.
[ 44 | hope ]
And, perhaps that's hope all in itself: the hope that he can move from being 'God' to just 'Kiyotaka Narumi'.
[ 45 | eclipse ]
It's a far off dream, but even as it's obscured and overshadowed above his head Kiyotaka still wants to reach for it and grab it with his own two hands.
[ 46 | gravity ]
However, even he knows that he can't go anywhere with Yaiba's existence gone, firmly keeping his feet planted on the ground.
[ 47 | highway ]
"What will you do now," is the question he's asked as he sits next to Ayumu's bed after a seemingly long drive here through a traffic jam and a good number of red lights, the other turned away from him and staring out of a window.
[ 48 | unknown ]
Stuck in a spiral destiny constructed by his brother, Kiyotaka moves towards the face of mystery with his brother so that 'hope' can continue on.
[ 49 | lock ]
It's easy to stick it under lock and key, so he decides to hide it somewhere so that he can move on even when he fully acknowledges that his legs aren't strong enough to move forward yet.
[ 5o | wood ]
He isn't one to desecrate graves, so Kiyotaka places the box from long ago under Ayumu's bed and says, with a smile on his face, "I'm not very good at things like this, but- thank you."